"When I finished the book I felt envious of the experience you had gone through."
One of my readers said this to me.
I get it.
It sounds a bit odd, maybe, but I totally get it.
That live in the moment, don't sweat the small stuff, seize the day mentality that comes with great loss.
Amidst the disorientation of grief I also found great purpose. I knew what my priorities were. I knew what was important.
I was peeled to the core.
Now, six years later, I find myself sweating the small stuff sometimes, my priorities seem less clear, I fret about issues that are not all that important in the grand scheme of things.
At times I am grateful that I have the luxury to worry about issues like the refrigerator sounding funny or if I signed up to bring napkins or cupcakes for the school party.
Other times I miss that intense buzzing feeling of LIVING I had following Bob's death, as if the world went from black and white to color. When I am around people who are closer to a loss I can feel the energy around them, I see the clarity in their eyes and hear it in their voice, and I am envious.
So I get it when my reader tells me she is envious of me and my experience with Bob's illness and death. Stripped of my layers back then I felt lighter and lean, but I also felt brittle and bit airy.
Now I have built up layers of living around my core. These layers make me feel a bit heavier, maybe thicker, slower, but also a bit more solid.
Layers of living. The key word being living.
Thanks for checking in-
PS...for those who might not have seen the newspaper article I have enclosed the link below.