Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Hey there,

"When I finished the book I felt envious of the experience you had gone through."

One of my readers said this to me.


I get it.

It sounds a bit odd, maybe, but I totally get it.

That live in the moment, don't sweat the small stuff, seize the day mentality that comes with great loss.

The clarity.

Amidst the disorientation of grief I also found great purpose. I knew what my priorities were. I knew what was important.

I was peeled to the core.

Now, six years later, I find myself sweating the small stuff sometimes, my priorities seem less clear, I fret about issues that are not all that important in the grand scheme of things.

At times I am grateful that I have the luxury to worry about issues like the refrigerator sounding funny or if I signed up to bring napkins or cupcakes for the school party.

Other times I miss that intense buzzing feeling of LIVING I had following Bob's death, as if the world went from black and white to color. When I am around people who are closer to a loss I can feel the energy around them, I see the clarity in their eyes and hear it in their voice, and I am envious.

So I get it when my reader tells me she is envious of me and my experience with Bob's illness and death. Stripped of my layers back then I felt lighter and lean, but I also felt brittle and bit airy.

Now I have built up layers of living around my core. These layers make me feel a bit heavier, maybe thicker, slower, but also a bit more solid.

Layers of living. The key word being living.

Thanks for checking in-


PS...for those who might not have seen the newspaper article I have enclosed the link below.


1 comment:

  1. I found myself today jokingly complaining about how my Starbucks Earl Grey tea latte was not made "right". Wow, I remember when going into a Starbucks took as much energy as climbing a mountain. I thought everyone was looking at me, I couldn't believe I was doing SUCH a thing as going to Starbucks. with.out.HIM.!!!! So now I too have built up those layers, but I am acutely aware of how even though we had that clarity once, I was so numb that I couldn't, wouldn't care about anyone else's emotions or thoughts. During the clarity I only wanted to be normal again. Funny, I was never normal :)