Sunday, January 31, 2010


Hey there-

Our church had their annual "Lessons on Loss" this morning during religious education for the children.

Today the teacher asked Henry's class to write a poem about someone, or something, that they had lost. Henry chose the Haiku. With his permission I am sharing some of these below. I think he was excited at the idea of the poems being "published", although when he heard there was no money involved his enthusiasm did wane a bit.

I am very sad
My father passed away
I cry every day
When she said he's dead
I didn't know what to do
I had no idea
She is very sad
My mother mourns away now
She is very sad
I had no idea
So I tried to cheer her up
It did not work well
(that is my personal favorite)

In the past I have approached this series with some trepidation. Mainly because my kids are the only ones in their class to have lost a parent. Most children talk about a pet, maybe a grandparent, and one child mentioned his dead iPod. I kid you not.

Henry proudly marched up to me in the sanctuary to show me his poems. I happened to be talking to the mom of the dead iPod at the time. As I teared up reading Henry's poems I heard her gently remind her child that some people had experienced much more significant losses. Henry seemed unfazed by the difference between the two boys losses and, in fact, told me the story of how the iPod had died on the way home. (it involved a soda and Mentos)

I can learn so much from the children. While I worry and fret about my poor son having to talk about his dad's death while others talk about lost electronics, my son seems to find sympathy for every one's loss, no matter how small.

My lesson for the day was all loss is significant.

But come iPod?

Thanks for checking in-


PS- I can't seem to make the computer do a space in between each haiku? So you will just have to pretend it is there. Sorry.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Hey there-

Yesterday at dinner Mike and I were discussing an event that involved our friend, Bob.

"Who?" Henry asked. "Bob? Our dad is back? He's alive again?"

Of course, he knows the truth, he was just being silly.

"Wouldn't that be wonderful?" I asked. "He could move back in here with all of us."

Mike chuckled from the other side of the table.

"Your mom could be the first woman polygamist, Henry," he said.

This brought on a very interesting conversation about polygamy that I won't go into now, but it got me thinking.........

What if Bob were to arrive at my doorstep, and I was to discover that his absence the last six years had just been some terrible mistake?

Then what?!

I would be thrilled of course, I can almost feel his arms around me as I type this, and the sound of his voice greeting me; "Hey Sug"

After the shock of seeing me in a house with 5 children wore off I would call for the boys.

"Daddy's home!" I would say, just like I did many times before.

Henry would be shy at first, stare at him with reserved awe, and then want to show Bob his bicycle and how well he can play Othello. Arthur would probably bound into Bob's arms, even though he wouldn't really know who this man was, it might be similar to Santa coming alive in our house for Arthur.

Then Mike would appear at the door to see what all the commotion was about.

hmmmmmm, that is when it gets sticky.

Now what?

Would I run back to Bob and leave everything that Mike and I have built together?

I couldn't do that.

Would I stay with Mike and arrange a visiting schedule for the boys with Bob?

Nope, that doesn't sound good either.

I don't see any of us going for a plural marriage, I can't see Mike and Bob as "brother husbands". And me deciding which door to knock on at night?! ICK! (maybe I have been watching too much Big Love)

How could I decide? Bob is the boys dad, obviously, but they are rather attached to Mike by this point. Mike can even make a better smoothie than me according to Arthur (trader!). Mike never complains about his job but he also doesn't have the summers off like Bob did as a teacher. They both like camping and cooking, although Bob did a lot more of it. Bob never brought me chai in bed, but he made one for me every morning. They both like to travel. Bob was more frugal (which I like) but he never brought me home gifts for no reason. Bob and my wine budget was much less but I do enjoy a good glass of red wine before dinner. Mike is always up for going out with people but, Mike is always up for going out with people.They both put up with me and love me in totally different ways.

Wow, I am glad I won't ever have to decide ......(maybe?).

How lucky am I to have had the chance to love and be loved by two such wonderful men? How lucky am I that, after everything, I still feel lucky?

Thanks for checking in-


Thursday, January 7, 2010


Hey there-

The boys and I were driving to the store the other day to buy their grandma a puzzle they could all do together.

"Mom, how old was I when you and Mike got married?" Henry asked from the backseat.

"Six, why?"

"I was just wondering how long it took for me to get used to Mike," he responded.

"Get used to Mike?" Arthur asked, his brows furrowed and his little voice rising in confusion. "What does THAT mean?"

Henry went on to explain; "Well, since Daddy was our daddy, I didn't have to get used to him. He just....... was. And since Mike is our step-dad, I had to get used to him." (duh, I could hear him thinking)

"So, you are used to Mike now?" I asked him.


"How long did it take?" I asked as we pulled into the parking lot of the puzzle store.

"About.......two years, and........four months." He nodded his head in satisfaction and opened the door to get out of the car.

Arthur nodded his head too, in disbelief.

"Whatever Henry," he said as he kicked his own door open.

I am still pondering if he is counting 2 years and 4 months from the time Mike and I met, or the time we got married? I wanted to look back at the calender and see what was going on at both of those times. Knowing Henry this time frame was not just pulled out randomly.

Mike and I met in August of 2005 and we married in September of 2006 so, what was going on December of 2007 or January of 2009? Random life it seemed like to me.

Two years and four months to get used to something, hmmmmm.

I, myself, am a big believer of a year for any period of adjustment, like a move or a new job. Getting through all the seasons, the anniversaries and holidays. After that first year the newness wears off, the initial excitement or fog begins to lift and you can begin to settle down and form an educated opinion about the situation with a little more clarity and first hand knowledge.

But a death? And all the changes that come along with it, how long is that adjustment period? There has historically been a magical number of one year for mourning, wearing black and all that. From my own experience I can say it takes much longer than a year, there are still times I want to wear a black arm band.

A wise friend once told me; "It takes how long it takes".

For Henry it took 2 years and 4 months to "get used" to having a step-dad. (he is learning decimals now in school, could explain something)

As for me, Bob has been gone 5 years and 9 months and Mike and I have been married for 3 years and 3 months. I have accepted the situation, grown accustomed to it, love a lot of it, but I will let you know when I have fully adjusted.

Thanks for checking in-